I'm Stuck. Emotionally & Mentally Exhausted.

I always think about the kind of friend I want to be, the kind of sister I want to be, the kind of Aunty I want to be. I don't know if anyone else has these thoughts of wanting to make a difference, an impact on the lives in my life. But for the most part I want to make the biggest impact on my childrens lives. Daily they look to me for their needs, they fight for my attention, they cleverly do things to make me proud or laugh or I find myself getting caught up in just watching the little things they do or the way they do them which always makes me smile.

Lately I have been feeling depressed. I have never had depression so I don't know what it feels like but all I know is that I haven't been my normal positive self. The kids have noticed it too asking me if I'm okay, wanting to give me extra hugs or asking if I need help around the house or a drink of water. Just writing about the small things they're doing for me I'm tearing up.

I got married in 2012.

I never thought I would be raising my kids alone, I thought that marriage was this magical commitment that I will never feel alone again. I thought after getting married you were guaranteed to have a partner, in good times and tough times and a partner to share life with. I was excited about being someones wife. Something I never saw coming.

Our 2nd year anniversary this year (last month) came and went. I called my husband just to hear his voice. I soon realized our marriage didn't mean to him what it meant to me. Even after I told him he wasn't interest. The whole "So what! It's not like we're together". That hurt.

Since he left us after just 6 months of marriage he hasn't taken any sort of role as a father or husband. He left taking all of his belongings and leaving me with the full responsibility of raising our children who were messed up (to say the least) after the split. I have struggled giving my kids their needs daily and have had to raise them with the help of friends.

In December last year I lost everything I knew and that felt safe in my life and everyone I was close to. I was completely alone. Just me and my kids. That too hurt and I struggled immensely

Generally when a husband leaves his wife and kids there is a reason. I am still yet to find a valid reason why my husband left us.

This weekend it's become clear to me that I am still abused by this man. As much as I love him, he is emotionally and mentally abusing me regularly. The reason I know is because I am emotionally drained and constantly feel like I am a terrible parent. I'm always on edge because he judges and abuses my every step as a mother to his daughter. He has completely wipes Jiedyn, to him Jiedyn doesn't exist and as harsh as that's been on Jie he knows he has his Mama, and only his Mama. So my parenting and relationship with Jie is different. But with Nevaeh I feel like I just cant get anything right.

He has a go to me about her having stains on her clothing, about her not wearing socks on cold days, about her sneezing ("Why is she sneezing? Why ain't you worried about her sneezing? Your house is dirty! Why else would she be sneezing? She doesn't sneeze when she comes here"). It's constant. He says things like "Where did that bruise come from?" "Did Jie do that to her?" "You don't love her as much as I do" "How did she get that cut on her finger" "You love your son more than you love her" "You should be keeping a better eye on them" "Why are they out the back on their own?" "I don't want such-and-such around my daughter" "You dont care about her like I do" "Jiedyn never gets sick" "What have you done" "Your not fit to be a Mum" He even has me feeling guilty about having an afternoon sleep some afternoons comparing me to his Mum. Or for getting take away because I should be giving his daughter good nutritious food and looking after her properly.

In the beginning it was easy because I knew I was doing all I could for my kids. I had a friend who was in my life daily telling me not to take any notice, that she thought I was a great Mum and I was!

Now, I don't have anyone to validate me. It's just me. When he comes down on me like a tonne of bricks it's getting harder to pick myself back up and I stay down.

I feel like I need to cut him completely out of my life or I'll end up having a break down. But without him reality is I will have no one. And that terrifies me to my core.

I'm stuck.