After weeks of waiting for contact, fighting a system that is meant to support and sustain healthy family relationships and keep kids in care connected to culture and family.. the day finally came to catch up with my youngest niece Justine today!
It’s been a hard few months without DHS/carer or the kids themselves not reaching out for even just a phone call. I have gone through a ray of emotions from grief, loss, hurt, anger, abandonment and feeling replaced and unneeded and have needed the support of my doctor, my phychologist, counsellors, friends and my support worker. But I’m not giving up, even if the odds are against me, even if everyone around the kids degrade me, even if the kids themselves are confused or hurt and relay those feelings towards me on social media, Even if their worker recommends 3 hours instead of the overnight I asked for, even if my brokenness gets unbearable and I feel like giving up, even if my family/friends tell me to let them go and move on with my life.. They deserve to have a healthy and loving relationship with their Aunty and even on my lowest days when my head says I can’t take it anymore, I know that’s what my heart wants too.
Justine was confused as to why she couldn’t live with us anymore and stated numerous times that she wanted to stay the night and that “maybe I should have stayed living with you” I reassured her that while she can’t live with us anymore, she can come and stay on weekends or over the school holidays and that I’m still here and love her. She seemed satisfied with that. Especially when I said we could stay up late to have a movie night together which I know she is looking forward to.
It was good to be able to reassure her today and has solidified my need to fight for what she wants. If she wants to see me, spend the night and keep that connection with us, I don’t understand why her worker is making it so difficult for me to have contact.
All I want is for all the kids to know that I’m here, that they can come and spend the weekend or a few hours with us once a month or on school holidays. I’m not forcing it and understand that one relationship in particular needs a bit of work but I have sat back long enough waiting for their worker to organise what she said she would. Justine in particular actually misses us. And while I can’t have her back in my care I can be what I have always been to all of the kids - an Aunty!
My mental health should never have been used against me the way it was this week by their worker. I have been going through hell these past few months trying to do what I think is best for the kids and everyone involved! Even if what’s best for everyone else hurts me.
Today Nevaeh, Justine and I had lunch down at the lake, we did a bit of shopping and then came home where the girls created mugs. “Family mugs”.
The day was so positive, it was like no time had passed at all. Justine in the time she was here kept coming to give me hugs. 7 hugs in a 30 minute period.. Our last hug before she went home was the squishiest!
I miss her already.
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