{Day 125} Reflection Sunday

Today, just like the last 4 Sunday’s, no part of me wanted to be at Church. Not because I don’t love God, or need God, or hate the church or find it boring or don’t want to see all our friends at church. But more because I have been living rather sinfully lately and I have been enjoying being a little reckless with my life. I don’t feel like I’m ready to confess and if I did I’d be lying to God because honestly, I’m probably going to show up to church, act like I have my shit together and walk out to re-do all the sinful things I know God would never want me to do. I’m not smoking or taking drugs or even drinking.. my sins are more hurting people because I myself and my kids are hurting. So I wait for the opportunity to speak my mind and don’t hold back. Everything that has been brewing since my separation from my husband 7 years ago that I wanted to say but never had the opportunity to say has come out these past few weeks without a filter. Everything I have wanted to say to my sister with the shit she has put these kids and I through these past 4 years has erupted and so has has all the hurt retained by my racist grandparents. I have turned into a lethal bitch and I feel relentless and gratified even though it’s totally against my belief in what Jesus would do. 

Although I’m glad to be getting all of this built up anger off my chest, I went to church today because as many mothers can relate, we need to do what’s right for our family, and as a family of 7, I can’t keep the kids from fellowship and the love of Jesus and his people so today even though a few of the kids also were reluctant we went.

Worshipping Jesus is just normal for me, I feel his love and his presence and love singing to him and for him. There is nothing better than praising and worshipping our king on a Sunday so with ease I give him my praises.

Today at church we had Pastor Steve Kelly all the way from Wave Church do a video sermon which totally resonated with me. 

His message was on Chapters. 

Chapters of our lives. 

His three points to this sermon were:

1.How we interpret the current chapter of our story will deter an the rest of the chapters. 

2.The best Christians always lead beyond their current chapters.

3.Some of the worst chapters end up being the best chapters!

I feel like my current chapter of my life is pretty self distructive. I am angry and lashing out at people who have hurt me but I’m not to let this chapter define me, it’s how I am and not who I am and more importantly it’s not my final chapter.

God knows me better than anyone and better than I know myself. I have had an unfiltered and brutally truthful tongue that has called people out since I was at a young age. I didn’t stop doing that until I gave my heart to Jesus and started understanding that everyone is already fighting their own demons. They face their own challenges in life and I realised that I didn’t want to hurt people, I became accountable and repentful of all the hurt I had caused over the years.

I guess, even though I have been enjoying taking all my anger and frustration out I need to remember who I am in Christ and who I want my kids to be looking up to. With so much pressure to be righteous and forgiving I am also human and hurt too. While the rest of my family can live unholy, unfiltered and without a care as to how their treatment of me and these kids effects us, I need to also realise I am a child of the most High king, I’m loved, set apart and need to flip the page to the next chapter of my life.. 

Thanks Pastor Steve for reminding me of that today!