{Day 132} "Mothers" Day

For most, a mother is their role model, someone to look up to, someone to aspire to be when you grow up and someone present, loving on you and sacrificing her joy for yours each and every day.

For me, my mother was none of these things. While she did birth me and we do share a lot of physical features and strong personality traits, my mother taught me how to be a mother in reverse! More like a “what not to do” and today I’ll be sharing on my blog how my relationship with my Mum helped me to become the Mum I am today.

Before I start understand this. My Mum is, was and always will be my Mum. She birthed me, she read to me and taught me to read, she taught me to pray, taught me to love and accept people for who they are no matter their flaws and she loved me. I never doubted this. Never.

 Although she is no longer in the present, she lives on in me and her grandkids. Things we do show parts of her even when we don't realise it.

For all that my mother was in the beginning, as time went by my Mum slowly lost who she was. I watched her go from a mothering mother to a complete stranger to me in just a few short years.

I will always cherish the mother I had in the beginning, the Mum who would plait my hair for school, buy me and my friends milkshakes after school and whom would sit by my hospital bed no matter what.

Once I turned 10, that mother was no longer. She was gone.

I understand now that my Mum endured a lot of identity issues growing up. She grew up the only black in her family, in her school and in her community. This meant a lot of racism, identity struggles and left her feeling weird to the point that she would try and wash the black from her skin. 

Mum found her identity being around other indigenous people and found love and acceptance in alcohol and drug users. By the time she was 17, she had fully rebelled from playing "Little miss perfect" and started to become careless and reckless. 

Although she had my sister while she was still a teenager herself, she continued to be reckless and careless, drinking and partying to numb the pain of growing up white yet feeling black. She knew that doing what she was doing would have her shunned from her family, but she found comfort in anyone who would listen and for many years that followed the drinking got more frequent and the drugs became the answer to all life's problems. To kill her loneliness was her need for love. She craved to feel loved and wanted and being very comfortable with her sexuality, she would often sleep with both men and women to feel comforted. 

With Mum there were no rules. There was no one she valued enough to want to stop her from the downward spiral that ultimately ended with her overdosing in 2017.

While I'm sure you have such fond memories of your mother today, in the years I most needed my Mum I was ashamed of her. The same lady that taught me right from wrong was Dr Shopping for pills her and her then husband would count out and halve on our dinner table instead of cooking dinner. Was in a severe domestic relationship that had her completely isolated and which nearly cost her her life on more then 7 occasions (that I was present for) instead of protecting her kids and raising them in a safe environment. Was completely disconnected from reality and hallucinating daily which impacted us not being enrolled into school, not learning any life skills what-so-ever and had us believing people where trying to kill her. Who was either drunk, stoned or both for the good part of the day - everyday impacting in us withdrawing from our relationship with her and relying on each other to survive. Who would become completely abusive and psychotic if she didn't have money or knew her drugs were running out in which she'd coach my brother and I to also get involved in going to the doctors, acting that we're sick so she could take her medication for herself and who would either love or abuse or sometimes both within minutes of a conversation with her which had us confused as to if she really loved us at all.

My Mum was the one at Centrelink, screaming and cussing the 19yo trainee for an EBT Card (Emergency Payment) while I stood out the front acting like I didn't know her. 

My Mum was the one who had a gun put to her head by the man she claimed to love only to go on to marry him. 

My Mum was the one who would abuse my teachers because there was no way her precious daughter deserved a C grading for an oral presentation she had to turn her music down for so I could practise it over and over in the lounge room. 

My Mum was the one at the pub punching on with bikers over a game of pool while we were home alone doing our homework and watching home and away.

My Mum was the one who burned the side of a child protection workers face on a BBQ hotplate when she refused her to see us kids for Christmas.

My Mum was the one who didn't believe me when I was abducted in Sydney in 2001 although I had called her and the police after it had happened.

My Mum was the one butt naked when I'd get home from school.

My Mum was the one the cops would tell to turn down the music which would have her waking up in the watch house each and every time - Did she learn though.. Nope!

She was also the one taunting the neighbour to call the cops.

My Mum was the one at the underage parties I had lied to her to go to; giving out drugs and alcohol to my friends. 

My Mum was the one that didn't show up for contact visits, didn't call and who didn't care to give explanations as to why to DHS while we were in care.

My Mum was the most abusive both physically, mentally and emotionally towards me to date.

Although this list could go on forever and ever and ever as to all the things she did and didn't do for me, My Mum still taught me how to be a good Mum. 

She taught me that I didn't like the kinds of people she liked, I didn't like the way drinking and drugs effected who I was as a person, I didn't like the kinds of guys she chose to date, I didn't like - or trust doctors, I did my own research, I thought for myself, I protected my brother from as much as I could and in turn now protect my kids from as much as I can. I am stronger, wiser, better, kinder, compassionate and unafraid of the world because I was forced to live in the most darkest parts of the streets around the mentally ill, drug dealers, users and abusers. There is nothing that scares me now.

So while I woke up this morning with not only my children but my sisters children bringing me breakfast in bed with thoughtful messages and abundance of love and hugs.. I know I am who I am today because of the strong woman that came before me. She was in no way perfect or anyone I aspired to be but I'm glad to have had her as my Mum. Because of her I have self love, self worth and unshakable self confidence. I understand mental health and the way drugs and racism take peoples lives and I have unrelentless strength and stamina.

~ Thank You Mum ~