Tuesday, 23 July 2013

Teaching my son to be honest.

I contacted Jiedyn's father (real father) to maybe provide some of that fathering and want that was missing from his life. Although he is a drug addict and was undeserving of the hours with Jiedyn, I sat down with this man and layed it out for him. He is his father. I didn't care what he does in his spare time, I dont care who he sees and what drugs he takes as long as for three hours a fortnight he was clean enough to spend some quality time with our son who needed to feel loved. I know his father loves him. All parents love their kids and no drug can ever take that love away. His father made a brilliant effort to be there for him. They started really bonding. I loved seeing that. Until his father (wanting to be with me) starting Jiedyn questions about his 'other' Dad. My husband. What may have been innocent questions like "Does Matt stay at your house?" and "Is Matt nasty to you?" it seemed to have really fractured the way Jie looks at his Dad. Jie loves Matt and he loves his real dad, so now there was this pressure on him to love one more than the other. And whats more is that his father asked him not to tell me what he said and encouraged him to lie to me. I could see that day that Jie was uncomfortable. He has never been put in a position to ever lie to his mother. It ate at him until he eventually saw that the reward for his lies his father promised was no longer enough to keep secrets from me. And although I knew something was up, I allowed him to tell me when he was ready. And was quite proud when he did.

Isn't it funny how one lie can turn into a web of lies after the fact. Once children are taught something, they then run with it. That day his father taught him to be deceitful. Then a week later, Jiedyn stole $100 out of my purse. I automatically assumed it was Nevaeh as she was home with me all that day but after 10 minutes of her quite willfully telling me she didnt touch it I had to assume she was telling the truth. I walked into Jies room, opened his Richmond lunchbox where he kept a lot of his precious treasures and there they were, two shiny $50 notes. I was so angry. I sat on the couch thinking of how best to punish him after school. It was lucky he wasn't home because I would have smacked him for stealing. Instead I saw past the what and concentrated on the 'why'. And came back to his father teaching him to be deceitful. That was it. It wasn't Jie, it was what he was taught. After Jie got off the bus that afternoon we went out for afternoon tea. (Yes, I took my son out after he stole from me). I allowed him to open up as we walked to a cafe. He looked guilty as I pulled a $50 note out to pay for our sweets. We sat down and I got straight to the point. "Jiedyn, I know you took Mums money out of her purse, why did you do that" I said. He shrugged. "Is it okay to take things without permission?" I asked. "No Mum" he mumbled. "It's stealing" I confessed. "If people steal in Australia there is a possibility of them being put in jail, It is against the law. Did you know that Jie?" Jie looked down, thn back at me "No Mum." I looked at him and said directly to him "If you ever steal from me again I will take you to the police station. It is not a house rule, It is the rules of Australia. The reason we have police. Do you understand?" Jie was quick to say "Yes!". He got the message loud and clear. I told him about how I thought it was Nevaeh and how I was really disappointed to find it in his room. I then explained that I dont want to be a theif. Having to tell friends and church to hold their bags and purses close as my son may steal from them. He was quiet and looked worried. As we got up to leave I told him I loved him, and to my suprise he said "I am really so sorry for taking your money Mum, I promise I will never do it again". And in that moment I was reunited with my honest son.

Sometimes it's not about the 'what'.. It's about the 'why' - Remember that..

5 replied:

Kate @ Life on the Pavement... said...

Oh sometimes parenthood can be so challenging! Given his age, I believe you handled things the correct way! Good for you!

Susan Evans said...

It's sad that your son's dad taught him to lie. Hopefully having confessed to the money being stolen, it will make a big enough impression for him to never steal again. It's hard to know what to do when things like that happen, but I can tell that you love your son and are doing your best to raise him to be honest.

Samantha said...

This story, although the initial underlying part is sad, made me so happy. I love the way you dealt with the situation. :)

~Nicole~ said...

I think you handled that situation really well Mel. It's so easy to get caught up in the moment, and lose control. Well done you and hopefully this is a lesson that will stick with J for a long time to come.

Lynn said...

That was PERFECT! I love it that you thought it through before acting on your anger. Your children are lucky to have a mama like you, Melissa.

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