4 things I need

There are things we all need in our lives. And for a very long time now I have been good at doing what everyone else needs of me. Support, love, stability, encouragement, everyday essentials, boundries, rules, routine, consequences, understanding, wisdom, fun, a friend, an Aunty and a mother role model. And so my life has consistently been about everyone else. I have lived in the shadows of my own life, caught up in what everyone else needs from me without ever really considering what I need for myself. So here are some things, as I take some time to reflect on the last 6 years of being a mother/aunt and parental person to 6 amazing kids!

1. I need to look after myself. I’m yet to know what that looks like as I have never ever in my whole life learned how to look after myself. Mind, body and soul. As I head to the doctor tomorrow to do a mental health plan I am beginning a road to fully recover from my past trauma with the aim to become more whole as a being. Meeting my own needs. And that’s okay.

2. I need and aim to do what is best for me and my children. Each and all 6 of them. I’m in the process of re-evaluating my life. I’m in the process of putting what I want aside to bring forward what each of the kids and I need long term. Even if what everyone needs hurts me. I haven’t been coping with life the way it is right now. And the kids haven’t gotten the best of me for a while now. I’m burnt out, I’m tired, I’m exhausted and recently when my niece ran away from home it triggered my own trauma. A month without her here has effected everyone and so when my nephew lashed out at me yesterday I realised two things. I realised how broken, exhausted and drained I am but also how much he needs his sister. To him, I’m the reason he doesn’t have her here with him and knowing I can’t give him that, I did what we both needed and put the kids into respite - together, while I get some much needed rest from the pressures of life and raising these kids completely on my own. I know I’m not the strong and capable woman I was 6 years ago and it’s not fair on the kids to pretend that I am.

3. I need space! I need space from all the pressure of constantly answering to somebody, constantly being on the ball, space from social media and anything that takes me away from my needs but most importantly I need space to raise these kids. Living in a 2 and a half bedroom house was fine when they were younger but as theyre growing and hormones kick in they need their own space. And I need mine. I have shared a bedroom with my daughter for the last 6 years, sleeping in a single bed to accommodate my sisters four kids. I have fought with housing, with DHS, with local members of parliament to plead my case for more space and it’s fallen on deaf ears. If they want me to continue to raise these kids and for me to have success of bringing up our next gen with all that they deserve, the least they can do is give me the space to do it. 

4. I need Gods favor. I realize I cannot do this alone. 

Please pray for me and my family.