Flying solo..

 After getting married in 2012 I never thought in a million years that I would be flying solo just six month later. I sometimes wonder why I have Marriage as one of the things I blog about (listed on the side of my blog) because I hardly know what being a wife and having a partnership is like. For me, my husband left and has made the last two years almost unbearable at times. Two months ago I had a breakdown. The constant judgement and negativity got too much for me that I just broke. I knew on the inside that I was an amazing Mum to happy and healthy kids but when you have someone on the side constantly telling you that they can do better, that I have nothing to offer my kids, that everything I do for them is not good enough, that I don't care for them as much as the does and being constantly judged and criticized for even the most simplest of things regularly, you start believing it. I gave my heart to the man I once prayed for. To the man who held my heart and the hearts of my children. What I didn't know was how much hurt this same man could bring on my kids and I, how ashamed I'd feel on the inside being called his wife, how lonely I'd feel although I wore his ring and how helpless I felt seeing our daughter struggle most with the separation.

In September it will be 2 years since I've been on my own. Married but a single parent. Marriage for me has not been picture perfect. Broken vows, broken promises, broken hearts, a broken home, broken words with nothing getting fixed.

Last month I bought a few co-parenting books. I'm getting so much out of the one I am currently reading although it's so hard knowing whats right and doing whats right with someone who is such a negative and disrespectful person. Hoping to get on the same page with our parenting I organised a time for us to meet up without the kids. And can you believe that he actually cancelled it for a game of basketball? His team was apparently in the finals and he couldn't miss it. He then proceeded to turn his phone off for the remainder of the day. I was so angry and frustrated. I try my guts out to accommodate his decision to leave us and live with his Mum. I was giving him all Nevaeh needs (clothes, food, books, toys, car seat etc.) on the weekends our daughter stayed with him. Even money. After the no effort to show up to talk about how together we're going to raise her I realized how easy he has it. How easy I make it for him. How easy everyone makes it for him. He literally does nothing for himself. I was giving him everything needed for Nevaeh, his mother/brothers/step-mum would pick Nevaeh up and drop her off before and after their weekends together. Thank you all if you ever read this. Although you enable Matt to be a selfish slob Nevaeh loves seeing you all and her father. When I told him I was sending her the following fortnight with nothing but the clothes on her back he went off carrying on about how he only had 1 pair of summer PJ's for her. I was astounded. Almost two years and one pair of PJ's? Yet he had the nerve to criticize my parenting every day. Make me feel like a bad mother. Make me feel like I couldn't provide my kids with their needs. I again broke. How dumb was I to believe I was anything less than their sole provider.

I did end up stick to my word and Nevaeh now only takes her favorite Teddy and anything she asks to take or give to Daddy (such as painting etc). I did also get a chance to sit down with him a few weeks later to discuss co-parenting and I gave him one of the books I'd started reading. Whether he has started reading it or not is unknown but after a heated argument a few days ago I said "If you do nothing else with your life, just read the book". Not for me but because he has a daughter looking to him for her needs and wants. I don't want her only memories of her childhood being arguments and negative change overs. I want her to know that she has two people who love her, that she has one heart and two homes. That she doesn't have to pick who she loves more, that she can love us both. I want her to see her Dad going out of HIS way for her, not him relying on his Mum all the time. I want them to spend quality one-on-one time together doing fun things she'll remember years from now and I want him to get more involved in her education and special events. I don't want the awkwardness of being in the same room on her birthdays or graduations. I don't want her to feel like she has to choose who she wants to come more or her heart to ache when he says he will come but cancels last minute as he has done so many times already and she is only 5yo.

As a parent you only want what is best for your children. I worry for Nevaeh. She loves her father so much but thinks she can't love us both. I don't want those feelings to stay. I want her to be able to be a child, to enjoy school and not worry about what is going on at home all the time. I want her to do well and to know that her Mummy and Daddy love her even if they no longer love each other. She deserves to be happy. That is my prayer for her life right now and for at least the next year while her father and I struggle to find a happy medium as parents for her..