Monday, 23 March 2015

What if..

This month has been a pretty big  what if.. month for me.

My husband and I were together for just over five years before we got married. We had our fair share of ups and downs but at the end of the day I loved my husband and prayed daily that God would make our family work.

After being married for just 6 months my husband left.

To this day I still no valid explanation as to why he left but he did and has been gone now for 2 and a half years.

Last Wednesday was our would have been 3rd year wedding anniversary.

We are still married as none of us has filed for a divorce and both I and my son still use his name on most of our documentations.

We are getting along better these days and probably the best since our separation.

We share the load while still keeping our distance.

I care about him but he has changed so much since we were together.

I feel like we have nothing in common and wonder if we ever did.

So much time has passed that my feelings have changed towards him.

My love for him is gone.

Sometimes I think about the what if.. 's in regards to mine and his relationship. I wonder what it would be like to still have him in our lives. I wonder if I would be achieving all that I am now without him or if the kids would be who they are today. I also wonder who he would be if he were still with me, if he would be kind and loving or as sour and as self centered as he has become now.

I don't know what God's plans are for my life but I trust in him to direct and guide me to where he wants me to be. I have stopped blaming God for my marriage mess and now realize the power of free will. God gives humans the opportunity to make choices that genuinely affect their destiny. My husband choosing to leave us was his own choice and not God's plan for our marriage. I know this now and have since forgiven my husband.

Although my life is amazing and the Lord is providing opportunities for my children and I to live a happy and healthy lifestyle I always come back to the what if.. 's and sometimes miss the better moments in our relationship as Man and Wife.

A small reminder to continue to trust..

1 replied:

Launna said...

Mel... those ties comes up that remind us of what could have been and makes us think 'What if'? It sounds like you are in a much better place without your husband but you are right about one thing, his choices change everything that could have been... He has to live with that, I see you have moved on.

I hope one day to get there, I had a very best friend that I loved more than anyone I have ever cared for... we were closer than I ever thought possible... one day in the Fall of 2013 it changed and to this day I still don't know why but I have turned the what if's off, I had or I never would have moved on... and he is the only one that knows why,...

Really great post...

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