Tuesday, 17 November 2015

A Letter to my Ex

To the father of my beautiful son,
I am writing this letter in hopes that it will be my last, to forgive you and to forgive myself. I was taught a few years ago that in order to heal from hurt, you have to write a letter to the one who hurt you and since hearing from you and having an address to send this letter to, I might be able to finally to heal from all of the pain you caused me and my son and let it go..
Together we have a truly remarkable boy. I have loved watching him learn, laugh, grow and thrive. He is intelligent, gentle, caring, considerate, honest, loving and is such an amazing role model to those who look up to him. I have absolutely loved watching him become a big brother who truly loves, cares for and protects his little sister since she has been in his life and their bond is unbreakable. He has such a big heart, a beautiful soul and shows love and kindness to all. You should be very proud of all that he is.
My only regret raising this beautiful boy was not being able to give him the type of father he truly deserves. And that is something that has been so painful for him, but also for me to watch him go through. Guilt just eats me up when I hear him talking about wanting to get to know you. And it intensifies long after I have soothed him with “I don’t know where your father is” and “Mama’s here”. Because while Jie has an image of the person he sees in the once or two visit he gets with you a year, I know that this person is not who you are out in the world or even two seconds after leaving.
 I remember when I found out I was pregnant with our son, you told me that you would always be there, you never wanted our child to feel as if they weren’t loved by both parents. But you left, first emotionally, then physically. You chose to be everywhere but here where we needed you. I stood by you through the web of lies, the cheating, the beatings, the emotional abuse, the broken promises, the loneliness and somehow believed that although you did all of these things to me, that you actually loved me.
But my faith is Jesus is what led me away from you on the end. While you were away I found a woman’s domestic violence support network and began getting strong enough to stand up to you. I was 19yo. That last beating you gave me before I asked you to leave was because I believed that God wanted more for my life than the constant cycle of abuse I had found myself in. Through God’s strength I was able to say no more.
I have hated you with every fibre of my soul Daniel. I hated the fact that you chose the streets over your family, other people over your child, and I was blamed for the consequences of your choices. But most importantly, our son has suffered and that had made me hate you even more. And just as Jie and I are in a better place with accepting that you are not here, that we only have each other, you have to make contact and drag him through it all over again.
My answer to you is again NO MORE!
If you really want to do what is best for Jiedyn, you will leave us alone to live the life we both deserve. Jie has stopped wanting to see you and is disappointed to find out that you are in jail. I did not read the web of lies you wrote to him in the card you sent him but allowed him to see it and know it was from you. You have missed 10 years full of memories, laughter, love and complete happiness alongside your one and only son but this was your choice to make and only have yourself to blame.
Jiedyn is happy and so so loved. At the end of the month he will be celebrating his 10th birthday with friends who have been by his side and in his life daily since kindergarten and throughout his primary school years. Peers he trusts and whom he knows he can always confide in. I am thankful and so proud of him for making such wonderful friendships.
Daniel, I forgive you for your absence in our lives and now thank you for this opportunity to ask that you leave us alone. Jiedyn may share your genetic make-up but thankfully he is nothing like you. He has a father he can always trust in and loves his Lord God with all of his heart. He will never fail him. Please understand that we do not wish to hear from you further. This also means through mutual friends or people in the small town we live in. We have no care to hear about your thieving, your drug habit, your debts etc.
Please just allow Jie and I to be free from you.
In Jesus Name..
Melissa Baker 

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