Thursday, 12 November 2015

Currently..

Inspired by A Hundred Little Wishes.

R e a d i n g | Blogs. I'm loving connecting with both old and new friends in this little blog world. I love hearing the hearts of others and I love feeling inspired within moments of opening a post. Keep it up blog friends. I just love you guys..

W r i t i n g | A Letter. At least I will be within the next few days. I received a letter from my sons father (who is again in Jail) a few days ago and have been very angry and frustrated and stressed since. This man has been in our sons life maybe one or at most two days a year since he was 2yo. The lies in this letter he sent me are the same ones in the box full of letters I keep under the kitchen sink. Only this time he has started lying to Jie. For a long time I hid the truth of who his father really was from him hoping one day, man to man, they could both sit down together and discuss why he had chosen not to be in our precious boys life. But keeping my promise to always tell Jie the truth, a few months ago he wanted answers. And so, at a level he could understand I told him about who his father is, out in the world.. Jie took it okay and was disappointed in his Dad.. He loves the idea of having a Dad like his sister has but needs to know that Daniel will never fill that space. It's hard for me because I constantly worry for Jie but I know Jie loves Jesus and his heavenly father will always be there for him. And maybe even one day fill that gap..

L i s t e n i n g | Justin Beiber. Like every single day.. So much so that even the kids have the beiber fever. I love 'I need you' and 'What do you mean' way too much. I play them on repeat and never get sick of them. We now know all the words and sing together.. like every day!

T h i n k i n g | About how I am going to afford everything.. I have spent the savings in which I was saving to buy a car on Christmas and Birthdays for the kids and don't know how I am going to pay for the bus I've hired to transport Jiedyns friends to his party 100km away in three weeks time. I'm thinking of selling some of the kids old toys and things which are just laying around the house getting unused to fund these special days but that's not me either. Maybe I'll take out a loan.. Maybe..

W i s h i n g | For some time with my Mum. Out there on the streets this Christmas. I wish there was something I could do for her. I wish I could spend a little one-on-one time with her. I really miss her. I know she's changed and chooses to live that way and says she is happy out there but I just wish I could help her. Brighten her day somehow.

H o p i n g | To hear from my sister soon. And in a good way. Since Justine and Hiram have been here they have not heard from her at all. Justine's 4th birthday is next weekend and I feel like she should be a part of it. It's not like my sister to not call her kids. I just hope she finds her way back to them soon.

S m e l l i n g | Barbecue's. Last weekend I was in the yard with the kids and could smell someone having a BBQ in a neighboring property. This scent excites me because it tells me Summer is just around the corner. And we love Summer!

W e a r i n g | Golden Slippers. Yep, my niece persuaded me to get a pair to match hers and while I probably wont wear them very often, I do plan on wearing them for a little bit of fun! $5.. Who could say no?

W o n d e r i n g | About the Future. At the moment I am caring for my sisters two youngest children. I have stopped studying and cant afford to do my driving lessons right now. I wonder where I'll be this time next year. Whether these guys will still be with me or if it'll be me with just my two. Wondering if I can knuckle down and study next year properly and really apply myself and whether I'll ever be able to feel confident enough to go for my P's and drive my own car. There is just so much on my mind..

L o v i n g | Blue. Fancy that huh.. A color I never thought I'd have a thing for. But eventually I will be painting my bedroom Blue and themeing it all Blue too.. I bought the paint ages ago.. Can't wait..

W a n t i n g | Where to start? A new pot set, new canisters (sick of the tins), a back shed would be handy, possibly a dog. The list goes on..

N e e d i n g | My friends. In the last few weeks I have needed my friends so much more than I ever have before. And through my neediness I have made more friends. Whether it be to vent or to just a distraction I'm really thankful they're there. Sometimes all I really need is someone beside me, believing in me and encouraging me.

F e e l i n g | Stressed, tired, angry and emotional. Between worrying about my nieces, caring for these guys, thinking about my sister, arguing with Matt, wanting to help my Mum, hearing from Daniel, missing my besty and wanting my Dad I am completely exhausted and everything seems to be just so hard.

M i s s i n g | Dad.

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