On mothers day this year I sent my uncle a message.
This was the message:
Hi Uncle D. I hope things are well with you and the family. I see you now have a grandson and granddaughter. Congrats on getting back in touch with W and N. I was just wondering if you could send me just a few photos of my childhood from the albums you have of our family. I have maybe 4 photos of me under the age of 14yo and none of Mum and I together apart from the one taken at Nana's funeral. I have just so much of my messed up life to piece back together. If your willing my address is still ((my address here)). You don't need to reply. Miss.
He blocks me.
I sent this message because the only good memories I have of my Mother are now photos which Mum left in a shed at my Aunty's around 15 years ago. Family Photo albums of my childhood including my first baby book full of my birth details etc. Also in the albums are photo's of my siblings and I with our Nana who passed away just four months after my Daughters birth in 2009. These precious moments have no value to them. None of us kids, my Mum or my Dad have had anything to do with them in almost 5 years after Nana passed. And quite honestly if you knew what my Nana endured while she lived in a granny flat behind their home you'd know why we have all wiped them. No one should live worst then their pet dogs!!
I'm sorry. I am just so angry. My Uncle has lived his whole life without his children, paying for detectives etc to search for them for over 12 years and I thought out of everyone he would understand what it's like to feel without family. I found them on Facebook not long after Nana passed away and although we weren't talking at the time I still made every effort to ensure they all reunited. I did that. And I got no thanks..
I feel like I have a right to the photos of myself as a child. Growing up in foster homes you lose yourself very quickly, and with all that I have been through all I asked for was a few photos. They have maybe 6 albums. A few photo's is not asking much for someone who has nothing of her childhood.
What selfish, careless, heartless people. Just because they have an amazing stable family, my cousins have always had their Mummy and Daddy and even our Nana be there for them. Well I would love to see them endure half the shit this life has dealt me. I have had to raise myself and my brother with an alcoholic father and a drug addict, prostituting Mum. I have had to live on the streets when the system failed me at 16 after 25 foster homes. I have had to pull myself out of drug abuse and domestic violence to give my children everything thay have today yet I live every day feeling completely alone. No grandparents for my kids, no aunty's or uncle's or cousins around for them. Seriously what is a few photos of me and my mother in happier times to them?
My heart aches..
Who the hell does this?
It's like I don't exsist..
Fair enough they don't like me, the feeling mutual.
I just want to have photos to share with my kids, to put int our photo albums to feel like I actually fit somewhere in this world. I want to be able to say "This was Mummy when.." or "This is your Grandmother when Mummy was (however old)." Instead the only opion I have is to show my kids my Mum in the photos I have, completely scared up and either drunk or stoned. I know what my Mum is. Everyone does but I dont want to be putting it into my childrens faces.
A few photo's I asked..
How does nothing sound Melissa?!!